I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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