I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
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