it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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