Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
