I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
