i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
The ass gains better be worth it
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