Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
