I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
