It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
