My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Randomize
