She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize