Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize