Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
