I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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