btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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