She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
