The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
