I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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