Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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