Whoa Z and x make the same sound
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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