I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
