I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize