it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize