My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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