Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
my phone needs a breathalizer
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Randomize
