meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
