Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
