She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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