You don't have asthma, your pregnant
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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