It's a beautiful day for a hangover
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Randomize
