I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Text me some of your sweat
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