But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Randomize
