Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
