omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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