i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
