And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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