I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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