I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
