Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
