I think I died a long time ago.
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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