How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize