You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
