some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
