I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
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