I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
