I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
