That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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