If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
zippers are such a cool invention
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
