I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
