if i can run in heels then i can drive
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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