Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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