did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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