my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
