DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
