Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
