Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize