New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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