It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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