I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I need to stop coming to work sober
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
