Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
