I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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