So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
